Alone, But Not Lonely

I love to just be. I could stay in one place for the entire day if I had a book or my laptop and food. I've never felt the need to get up and run. I've never felt the compulsion to do something. I'm happiest when I'm by myself. I don't know how many hours I've wiled away just thinking about the most random things, whether they are of consequence or not. I've never felt lonely when I'm alone.
I find a certain solace in being by myself which I rarely find with other people. I can wear my shorts and ratty t-shirts and just chill. I also have the ability to conduct endless conversations with myself. Probably a sign of madness, I know. But I visualize scenarios and imagine what I'd say or do, I sing at the top of my voice, I dance with complete abandon, I yell away my anger and frustration over something, I even laugh at my own jokes. I like my company.
My mom thinks I like being by myself a little too much. But hey, I don't do anything in small measures. I think everyone should know how to be. Just be. Life isn't all about getting to the next big or happening thing. Its also about learning to savour and cherish the now. Its about living in the moment. Life isn't just about crossing items off your bucket list. Its about getting to them when you get to them. Life isn't just a race to the finish line, its about making friends along the way. Life is about dancing in the rain, playing under the sun, sitting around a bonfire with a hot cup of coffee in winter. Life is about learning to be comfortable in your skin. Life is about learning to be comfortable with people as well as without them. Life is about independence and freedom. Its about pushing your limits and knowing when to stop. Its about reaching for the stars and yet finding your home. Sometimes life can be a roller-coaster ride and sometimes it can be a cruise down a serene river.

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Frankly, I don't understand how anyone can't not like their own company. I mean, it's you; if you don't like yourself, how in the world do you expect anyone else to like you? It's common sense, isn't it? If you can't stand spending a few hours by yourself, without chatting with anyone, how do you expect somebody to spend the entire day with you? If you bore yourself, won't you bore everyone else as well? Food for thought, isn't it?

Confessions of a Lovestruck Teenager

Before jumping to any conclusions by reading the title, I haven't actually fallen in love, I've just been watching 'Zindagi Gulzar Hai', a Pakistani TV serial starring the dreamy Fawad Khan. Cue my mom's comment on what a lecherous creature I am. Admittedly, I do drool over Adam Levine, Hrithik Roshan, Shahrukh Khan (especially DDLJ!), Chris Evans and probably countless others like nobody's business. But hey! I'm a young woman, what'd you expect?
Contributing to the frivolity of this post, what makes Fawad Khan even more amazing is the fact that he married his long term girlfriend. He proposed to her at the age of 17! How cute is that? I mean, how often do you hear that in Bollywood? Its always about pouncing on the next hot thing that walks into tinsel town. When you see something like that, it makes you believe in lasting love.
I ponder way too much on love, don't I? I guess its because I've never been in love myself, not counting all the Nicholas Sparks' heroes. Although, those guys fell in love with remarkably different women. I've never been like a Nicholas Sparks heroine. I'm irritable, I'm stubborn, I'm lazy, I can be incredibly selfish and self-centered, I can be a lot of things. So, I guess its a good thing that those guys don't actually exist, because well, I wouldn't stand a chance.
Ah well, expect a few more of these posts over the years, until I fall in love. Till my next post, drool over these GIFs of Fawad Khan. Isn't he just amazing? Sometimes I surprise myself with my weirdness. Sorry :P I promise a better post the next time!

The Thing About Growing Up is...

The thing about growing up is.. that it absolutely sucks. I'm 19 years old, I just finished my first year of college and frankly, I've never been more confused about my future. And somehow, everybody seems to assume that I have to have everything figured out by now. Do I want to go into the civil services? Do I want to get my PhD and teach? Do I want to practice as a psychologist? Do I want to get an MBA? God! My head will explode! I'm 19, for God's sake! I'm still trying to figure out how to make my skin all glowing and unblemished and you want to know what I want to do for the rest of my life? The truth is, I'm frightened. I'm frightened of the world that is out there. I'm frightened that I won't be good enough, I'm terrified that I might fail and let down everybody who had the courage to believe in me. I'm terrified that I won't make the right decision.
Why is everything about sorting yourself out? Why can't it be about reveling in the fact that none of us are perfect and that we don't need to kill ourselves aspiring to be an ideal? Why does MY paycheck have to be the biggest? Why do we have to be a size that defies our bone structure? Why do we have to be a colour that defies our genes? Why do we NEED to be the best? Why do we need to try so hard? Aren't we taking the joy out of everything we love by making it a rat race? Why can't we learn to just take a deep breath and live in the moment? Why does EVERYTHING have to be about the future? I'm not saying that we shouldn't think about the future at all. I'm saying that we shouldn't put ourselves in a position where we're always worried about what happens next. So, yes, knowing what you want to do is important. It's very important.But we can't let that blind us to the present.
At the age of 50, do we really want to look back and wonder? Do we really want to have a boatload of what-ifs? Do we really want regrets? All of us have to grow up. We do. But why can't we have fun doing it? Why should growing up only be associated with increased responsibilities, increasing stress, a struggle to stay fit, so on and so forth? When put like that, you can't be surprised that none of us want to grow up.
I realize the futility of this post, I do. I didn't really come to a conclusion. And I know that I need to come up with a decision pretty soon. It's just something I needed to say. It's something I've wanted to say for a while and maybe one day, I'll have an answer. But right now, all I think is, that I don't want to look back years later and feel that I did everything I needed, but nothing I wanted. Man, I'm screwed up.