Making A Choice

I've always found it incredibly difficult to make a choice when it counts. I'm scared. I'm so scared I'll make the wrong decision. I find myself wishing I was one of those people who have their lives planned out for themselves.
Its easy to fall into a rut. Believing that life will work out somehow. But that never really is the case is it? You go through your entire school life being told that you need good marks to ensure a good future for yourself. Then you reach college and that's not enough. You need a plan. Not just a plan, you need a backup plan as well, in case the first one falls through. You need to think through the contingencies, make allowances for them. It never ends. Its times like these I wish I'd chosen a more standard path - a Chartered Accountant or an engineer. Why did I choose the arts, I ask myself. I could just as easily have gone into the B.Com or BBA streams. My path would have been pretty much set then. But I chose arts. Because, for once in my life I wanted to do something I enjoyed. The world was my oyster. Little did I know that the oyster has sharp teeth that are closing in on you slowly.
So how do you know if you're making the right decision? Can't there be a dress rehearsal? If only we were that lucky

The Thing About Growing Up is...

The thing about growing up is.. that it absolutely sucks. I'm 19 years old, I just finished my first year of college and frankly, I've never been more confused about my future. And somehow, everybody seems to assume that I have to have everything figured out by now. Do I want to go into the civil services? Do I want to get my PhD and teach? Do I want to practice as a psychologist? Do I want to get an MBA? God! My head will explode! I'm 19, for God's sake! I'm still trying to figure out how to make my skin all glowing and unblemished and you want to know what I want to do for the rest of my life? The truth is, I'm frightened. I'm frightened of the world that is out there. I'm frightened that I won't be good enough, I'm terrified that I might fail and let down everybody who had the courage to believe in me. I'm terrified that I won't make the right decision.
Why is everything about sorting yourself out? Why can't it be about reveling in the fact that none of us are perfect and that we don't need to kill ourselves aspiring to be an ideal? Why does MY paycheck have to be the biggest? Why do we have to be a size that defies our bone structure? Why do we have to be a colour that defies our genes? Why do we NEED to be the best? Why do we need to try so hard? Aren't we taking the joy out of everything we love by making it a rat race? Why can't we learn to just take a deep breath and live in the moment? Why does EVERYTHING have to be about the future? I'm not saying that we shouldn't think about the future at all. I'm saying that we shouldn't put ourselves in a position where we're always worried about what happens next. So, yes, knowing what you want to do is important. It's very important.But we can't let that blind us to the present.
At the age of 50, do we really want to look back and wonder? Do we really want to have a boatload of what-ifs? Do we really want regrets? All of us have to grow up. We do. But why can't we have fun doing it? Why should growing up only be associated with increased responsibilities, increasing stress, a struggle to stay fit, so on and so forth? When put like that, you can't be surprised that none of us want to grow up.
I realize the futility of this post, I do. I didn't really come to a conclusion. And I know that I need to come up with a decision pretty soon. It's just something I needed to say. It's something I've wanted to say for a while and maybe one day, I'll have an answer. But right now, all I think is, that I don't want to look back years later and feel that I did everything I needed, but nothing I wanted. Man, I'm screwed up.