The Late Bloomer

My mom describes me as a late bloomer. Every stage of development happens to me a few years after it was supposed to happen. And I can't help but think that's true. I mean, honestly, my awkward phase lasted for 6 years! Until the age of 17, I looked like a monkey that the cat dragged in. A more appropriate euphemism would perhaps be 'The Ugly Duckling'. Now, I'm not saying I became a beautiful swan; but you could say that I'm a cute little duck. I attribute my lack of flirting skills to late blooming as well. I'm a flower that instead of shying away, jumps around and does a jig, while still in  the bud, creeping the hell out of everyone. I'm approaching 21 at breakneck speed and I wonder, is it possible to bloom too late? I feel like an anomaly in a world filled with people who know where they are going and what they are doing and here I am, questioning every decision I make-ranging from the clothes I choose for the day to what I want to do with my life. Continuing with my metaphor, what if by the time I bloom, I miss my chance because I was too late. I'm never late for anything, but what if I'm late for what counts the most? 

Rescue

How do you rescue someone who doesn't know that they need to be rescued? That's the thing. You dont. Because it's for them to rescue themselves. We're all our own damsels-in-distress and knights in shining armour. And unless we recognise and admit to ourselves that we have a problem, we aren't going to come to a solution, much less salvation and redemption. The world is filled with people who go through life feeling like everything is fine, that they're fine-blind to their flaws. How do we push ourselves to hold up a mirror to ourselves, to recognise that we have veered so far off the path to becoming good people that we don't even realise where we are going. We barricade ourselves with our psychological defenses, forming a fort around ourselves, expelling anything that dares to go against our definition of what's normal. I don't have the answer. I don't have most of the answers. For now, I'm going to focus on rescuing and fixing myself.

Becoming More Like Myself

My first post in the New Year. But don't fret, I'm not going to write something along the lines of that ridiculous "New year, New me" nonsense. I can't believe that anyone can just change with a snap of a finger, or quite literally, in the matter of a few seconds. We are, and always will be, irrevocably ourselves-all the good and all the bad. We can consciously attempt to always do the right thing, but at our core, we cannot change. So, instead of a "New Year, New Me", why don't we choose "New Year, More Me"? We try so hard to emulate the actions of those we aspire to, not understanding the fact that we aspire to them because they are unafraid to be who they are. And even if they are, they consciously make an effort to be true to themselves.
I've idolized my sister all my life, always wanting to be as pretty and smart as she is. I even went to the extent of writing that I wanted to grow up to be her in a slambook (and she never lets me forget It). It bothered me that however much I tried, I couldn't be her. For the longest time, I copied the way she dressed (I still do sometimes), the way she did her hair; I even copied her shyness! I had convinced myself that plain old me couldn't possibly hold any appeal to anyone and the only route to getting people to like me was to behave like her. Like every tragedy ever written, I failed to realise that I wasn't her and I could never be her. In the same way, she could never be me.  If we were all supposed to have the same qualities, we would be mass produced in a factory or in a field. We would have the same personality, the same constitution; and any kinks would be fixed the way we update our phone apps to remove bugs. We may as well be robots. Where's the fun in that? Its our flaws, our kinks that make us who we are. It makes us interesting.
I don't keep resolutions. I've never been able to follow through on any of them. But this year, I've decided that I'm going to be ME. I'm not going to try to fit myself into a box. I'm going to be real and I'm going to be authentic. I'm going to be the best possible version of myself-unadulterated and unfiltered. Along the way, I could possibly discover a side of me that I never even knew existed. I am turning 21 soon-about time, don't you think?