Flirting 101

Today, I exclaimed to my mom about how I cannot flirt to save my life. Literally, even if there was a gun to my head, I would not be able to flirt with anyone. I just cannot imagine batting my eyelashes and twirling a lock of my hair. I'm one of those people who goes red in the face and starts talking absolute bullsh*t when I like someone. I cannot flirt. It is physically impossible. Like a lot of conversations with my mom which start out innocently enough, this one turned into a monologue about how I can improve myself. My mom says that the reason for my ineptness at flirting is because I'm never myself around the opposite sex. She says and I quote, I'm in a constant state of hyperactivity around boys which turns them off. I don't ever relax and show them the "real me". I can't even fathom how lame I am that I'm actually taking flirting tips from mother dearest. Anyway, she continued by saying that I let out this force of negative energy around most people, which also isn't very attractive. Because who really wants more negativity in their lives? I must clarify, I'm not a bundle of negativity all the time. In college, I'm a ray of sunshine (which my mom says, is the reason I have so many friends). With most people, I close myself off, putting up an invisible wall because I'm afraid they won't like me for me. I start to pretend to be someone else and it all becomes a vicious circle. I'm afraid they will mock me for being a nerd and a dork and I cease to be comfortable in my own skin. My mom says that there's only one rule in flirting- be authentic. Any fool can spot a phoney from a mile away. So let's see, I'll give my flirting skills a shot the next time I spot a cute guy. And who knows, maybe he will be unable to resist my goofy charms!

Faith

Sometimes I wonder what is more important-faith or love? By faith, I dont mean faith in God. I mean faith in a person. It's easy to love someone but have no faith in them. But if you don't love someone, you can never have faith in them. Faith, to me, is an irrevocable belief that you can do it. No matter what anyone says. I have faith in a lot of things. I have faith in my mother, in my sister. I have faith that somewhere out there, my soul mate is waiting for me. I have faith that I will find my way. I have faith that everyone has good in them. I have faith in the idea of faith. Having someone have faith in you is frightening and exhilarating. You don't want to let them down, but it somehow propels you to work harder. When someone doesn't have faith in you, or you don't have faith in yourself, what's going to push you to succeed? I think faith is even more important than love. Because you rarely choose whom you love. But you can choose to have faith in that person. Faith is something that you have to earn. You can love your dog with all your heart, but you needn't have faith that it's not going to eat up the trash when you're not looking.
I'm still working on having faith in myself. Its not as easy as it looks. It's only when I believe that I can do it that others can take a leap of faith when it comes to me.

Trying before buying

I don't understand the concept of an arranged marriage. I mean, you meet the guy once or twice and decide that you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Look at it this way, when you go shopping for a dress, you don't just buy the first thing you see, right? You check how it fits, whether it is comfortable, whether you have accessories that go with it, how many occasions you can wear it for. You parade around in it to see if you make a statement, whether the outfit is 'YOU'. So much fuss for a dress and just one encounter is enough to make one of the most important decisions of your life? You have to try before you buy, right? You could argue that the parents have probably checked out his background, but they can't really check out his personality can they? Just because you seem compatible on paper doesn't mean that you're compatible in real life. I mean, the parents can introduce the guy to you, and you can date him for a while. Get comfortable with each other and decide whether you are right for each other. Honestly, this is a person you expect to spend the rest of your life with, it's not a spontaneous, spur of the moment decision you just jump into. It may sound insanely romantic, but it's just insane.

The Dying Breed of Gentlemen

Gentlemen are a dying breed. I know I'm a feminist, but that does not mean I want men to stop being gentlemen. My grandfather is a gentleman. He waits at the door until we are backed out of the driveway, he stands up when someone walks into the room, he holds the door open. And it's not that he does it just with the ladies, he does it with everyone. Because that's what a gentleman is. He, who treats everyone with respect and honour. Not because it's the right thing to do, but because he believes that everyone deserves it. He, who calls the waiter by his name and not by clicking his fingers. He, who listens to whatever the other person says with complete concentration, without looking bored, because he is genuinely interested.

Being a gentleman is not an art. A gentleman is just a man who's gentle and kind and caring and considerate. And when did we lose sight of this?

As for me, the man I fall in love with will have some very large shoes to fill. I have had the exceptional example of my grandfather, haven't I?

A Childhood Memory

When I was a child, I would get furious with my mother when she refused to make charts and posters for my class. Every few weeks, a student was selected to make chart based on the lesson that was taught in class and this was put go on the wall. I would dread the arrival of my turn, because I knew that either I would have to make the chart myself, or I would just have to say that my mother did not have the time (or the inclination) to do it. I generally ended up making the charts myself.

 I'm no Picasso, so obviously, they didn't turn out very good. As a result of which they were not put up! All my hard work for nothing! I would look longingly at the other beautiful charts in class and feel disappointment, anger, and a twinge of envy. Disappointment that my chart was not up with the others, anger at my mother and envy of my classmates who had much more obliging mothers. 

It wasn't until much later that I thought, "Why the hell should the teachers expect mothers to make the charts for their kids? Make the kids do it themselves! So what if it isn't neat and tidy and they have coloured outside the lines? At least they're learning something new!" And instead of encouraging a little kid who, might I say, did her very best to make the chart as pretty as possible, which wasn't an easy task (I'm creative with my words, not my hands), you just shove her chart into the cupboard to be eaten by termites? It broke my heart. I was like a little puppy hankering for petting and being told, "Good boy, you!"

 

I don't think the experience left me with permanent scars. Sure, I'm still apprehensive when it comes to art work. Sure, it made me want to scream at my mom about why she couldn't be more like other mothers who made as many pop-up charts as their kids required. Sure, it made me resent my teachers for asking so much of me. But it's definitely not one of those things that I'm likely to cry about in front of my therapist (imaginary, of course). Pretty much like a puppy, my broken heart was temporary, fixed and forgotten in a nanosecond. That's the nice thing about being a kid, you let things go. And hey, it made me more independent, more resilient. I learnt how to do my assignments on my own (thankfully, most of them were written). I have never really managed to make a beautiful chart all on my own though. Oh well, nobody's perfect! 

One Year Later

When I finished writing my previous post, I realized that I had not posted anything in lieu of International Women's Day. That's practically blasphemy in my book. Last year I had written this post just after I had watched the BBC documentary 'India's Daughter' and my blood was boiling. Even the memory makes me grind my teeth. But I don't want this post to be about that. I do not want this post to be about the atrocities and injustice the fairer sex is faced with. I want this post to be as positive as possible. 

As cliched as it might sound, I think most of us girls these day are pretty badass. Sure, most of us have not faced real adversity. But we have experienced people judging us just because we are women, however subtle it might be. Be it not being allowed to enter the prayer room or touching the pickle when menstruating or asking to go to a late night concert unescorted (I know that we live in unsafe times. But shouldn't measures be taken to remove the people who make these times uncertain and unsafe? Why should we be punished for not doing anything?), or even going out alone with a boy (WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY??). Translating a famous Bollywood song- People will talk. They have no other work. The only way to stop people from talking, is to stop judging others ourselves. We are the main culprits, the perpetrators. A girl walks in wearing a tight dress; it is on the tips of our tongues to say that she looks so vulgar and cheap. How is that kind of violent language acceptable? And yet, we cringe when someone says the same thing about us? Women can be their own worst enemies. And there is nothing more despicable than a woman who doesn't stand up for her own gender. However, despite all the judgement and criticism (from both genders), we have managed to do pretty well for ourselves, I think. We have a long way to go here in India. But there has been progress. We no longer shrink into a corner when intimidated. We no longer behave like doormats. More and more women are becoming financially independent. We now have the courage to use our voice. We are still afraid, but we know we are not alone. We are slowly realizing how powerful we truly are and we are fighting for what we want.It's an uphill battle, but we'll get there someday.

The Redundancy of the Arts

My teacher asked us what the most famous first line in literature was. All of us were stumped. She said it was "Call me Ishmael" from 'Moby Dick' and the second most famous line was from 'Pride and Prejudice'-“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” I was intrigued. I asked her why were these lines chosen, out of the vast selection of literature. Now it was her turn to be stumped. She did not know how to respond. I thought to myself, "No matter, I shall check it out on the trusty internet". But to my surprise, even that could not give me an answer. I decided to read 'Moby Dick'. And even then I could not fathom why it was one of the most famous lines. Even 'Pride and Prejudice', a book I've read a countless number of times. Why those lines? What did it signify? What made it so special? And the fact that a Literature professor could not answer that just goes to show how the arts are slowly dying.I'm saying this as a student of the Arts. How can we expect to survive if we don't change with the times? We cannot be studying the same works over and over again. There is no doubt that Faulkner, Melville, Chaucer and the like were all brilliant. But they were the past. That's where the Arts resides. In the past. Holding onto something that's no longer there. Yes, the past is important. But so are the present and the future. The subject of Literature refuses to regard anything contemporary as art. And that is what is their shortcoming. I guess a 100 years later, our works will be considered 'art'. But don't they see? Anything that represents the world as it is today, is ART. Whether it is a satirical tirade against Donald Trump, a stand-up comedian, a writer, a painter. It's all art. Jhumpa Lahiri (and so many others), with her words, paints a world so real, you can almost touch it. It's a world we recognize. It's the world we live in. And isn't that the world we should be studying? I'm not saying we should forget all the Greats. We shouldn't. But what context are we learning them in? How will we ever apply this in the real world? An interviewer doesn't care if you know the most famous first line. He wants to know if you can do the job. The Arts are a window to understanding the world in a way like no other. And if you truly understand the world you live in, there isn't a better candidate than you. It tells you the harsh reality, and yet gives you a ray of hope. It helps you see the beauty and the ugliness. The Arts has the potential to be the guideline to live one's life to the fullest. If only we could get our heads out of our asses.